A New COVID

Variant XE

 

A new covid variant has been spotted in the United Kingdom. The new variant has been given the ominous moniker of “XE” and is said to be the most infectious variant so far. Officials say the name has been chosen to cause fear in old ladies who will spread disinformation regarding the virus via WhatsApp and singlehandedly result in another lockdown. 

 

As of April, around a thousand cases have been reported which has caused panic among British officials. An unnamed British MP is reported to have said “Blimey! Lads we can’t let this wave pass without destroying the country with the strictest lockdown since the second world war.” Prime minister Boris Johnson in a recent press conference has announced new guidelines to combat this deadly variant. If you are within 6 feet of a person you are not allowed to breathe until you are out of their vicinity. If you live in a family, then you are to section off your place of living into smaller living areas and have no contact with family members. You are not allowed to speak to them either as the vibrations of your loved one’s voices may influence you to break protocol and spread the disease. Along with a laundry list of new regulations, there was a group of people who were exempted from these new rules, and they are members of parliament. 

 

 

The Reaction of the “Public” 

 

Partygoers and chuckleheads across the country were fired up into a frenzy from hearing the news as the new regulations were a detriment to their routines of working dead-end jobs for a few days a week and spending their weekends getting obliterated from substance abuse as an attempt to forget how miserable they truly are. Citizens took to the streets rioting and chanting phrases such as “take my nanny, don’t take my Bacardi”. One rioter was interviewed by our reporter and said, “these plods can’t stop me from blacking out and vomiting on my mates.” Another point of contention between the rioters and the government is the exemption that British members of parliament have from the new regulations. Protesters feel the new rules are unfair and if “Tonia Antoniazzi can party in Majorca so can we”. Miraculously these nugatory rioters had found a way to organize whilst being sober and conducted mass protests outside of 10 downing street in an effort to reverse the draconian ordinances. 

 

 

How the Normal People Are Tackling the Current Situation

 

When asked Jerry Johnson who lives in a London suburb what he thinks of the current situation he replied “honestly speaking mate, I don’t really care. I just enjoy my life with my family and don’t really follow the stupid rules the MP’s have told us about. I mean yeah sure what they’ve said about us having to section off our homes is asinine but it’s not like I’m going to follow it. And better yet they can’t enforce it on millions of us now can they”. Jerry along with millions of other more enlightened members of society just watch the chaos unfold between the two sides while they sip their tea and eat their crackers. This segment of the population has realized an important truth that just because the government says it does not mean you have to follow it. After all the people are in the majority.