Due to the recent conflict between Russia and Ukraine, other European nations have been filled with a sense of dread over the possibility of their countries being attacked and usurped by a more powerful force. Two countries with such concerns are Finland and Sweden. Finland was originally a part of Sweden, however, a war with Russia resulted in the Finnish nation becoming part of the Russian empire in 1809. Both countries have valid concerns regarding a possibility of a Russian invasion considering the fact that it is clear as day that the Kremlin attempts to return back to the might of the once-great USSR.
Sweden and Finland’s Entry Into Safety Blocked
As a preemptive measure of defense, the Nordic nations have applied to enter NATO. There is a stipulation, however, that every member of NATO must accept a new applicant's bid for that country to be formally accepted into NATO. In the case of Finland and Sweden, the Turkish government has thrown a wrench in their plans and threatened to block their entry into NATO. The Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan said in a press conference “Our sources have informed us that President Sauli and Prime Minister Magdalena were heard saying that Italian pizza was better than our beautiful Pide. We had heard this insolence through the bugs we had planted on their phones.” The Turkish President was said to be furious when he read the reports. It is reported by government staff that he had been heard howling like a banshee in his office with loud banging being heard in his office. When the doors had opened, it is alleged that every piece of furniture had somehow been ripped in half and that he had punched holes in walls so deep that light was shining through them.
Ankara’s Conditions for Allowing Entry
The Turkish government has stated one condition for allowing Sweden and Finland entry. They require that both heads of state be ousted from the government and extradited to Turkey in order to be re-educated and accept the truth of Pide supremacy. According to Turkish officials, there is a brand new state-of-the-art re-education facility in turkey’s largest prison, Silivri prison. The facility has been built for dissidents of the Turkish government, but President Erdogan believes that it should now house those who disrespect Pide; he passionately feels that the comments of the Finnish and Swedish heads of state were an attack on Turkish pride and valor.
The Nordic Countries' Shocking Response
Swedish and Finnish government officials have shockingly taken the side of President Erdogan in this delicate situation. After much deliberation in both countries’ parliaments, it was decided that the heads of state's comments were “utterly disgraceful” and “irresponsible beyond belief”. It is most likely that both leaders will be ousted due to political pressure and handed over to Turkish authorities. Both leaders will be strapped to chairs and have their eyes forcefully kept open with a metal contraption. Their eyes will be watered to keep them from burning and they will be fed gruel and water only. Both politicians will most importantly be forced to watch every youtube video on how to make Pide, different types of Pide, and most importantly why it is the best type of food created.
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