The President’s Outlandish Claims
Washington – On June 11, 2022, President Joe Biden surprised everyone when he barged into the security rooms on the second floor of The White House and started giving his speech on astronomically high inflation. “If I were to summarize the state of inflation...It's because of the war on mars...and Trump” he said before being distracted by a fruit fly. The staff was caught so off guard they forgot to breathe and were left positively terrified as the President stared at them with his vacant eyes. After being subjected to several minutes of Eldritch horror, the President left without a word while wiping tears from his face, or he may have been “leaking”, the accounts are inconclusive. We know this because our columnist is currently being held at The White House for sedition and they sent us a record of this event through braille text on Yahoo mail.
The Absolute Mess of An Environment
The average American joe is no longer capable of commuting to the local Walmart. With gas prices topping out at $5 a gallon, The Democrats are struggling to placate the masses. The poor, ruddy and skeletal CEOs of gas companies are being framed by President Biden in order to cover for his inability to call upon the might of God himself to lower gas prices. In an interview, we were able to sneak into the vents above Darren Wood’s office at the ExxonMobil headquarters in Irving, Texas. “Hmmm, perchance, it is time to increase gas prices to $10 a gallon because of the war in Ukraine…they’ll understand.” It is not yet clear as to why the head of ExxonMobil was talking to himself in the mirror, but we assure you that our sources are at least 60% accurate 20% of the time.
On the other hand, The GOP has ramped up their slander campaign against President Biden, a despicable attempt at demonizing someone as harmless as your typical 94-year-old racist, homophobe grandpa. However, they do have a point of contention. If Biden’s own party is not willing to support him 100%, one cannot expect the vast majority of red-blooded American people to follow him. In following this train of thought, whispers in the secret tunnels underneath Washington reveal a heinous ploy by The Democrats to put a sentient AI currently being developed by Google inside The President’s vacant brain to control him seamlessly from their Samsung Smart Refrigerators.
Additionally, The January 6th hearings are currently taking place, and I won’t bore you with the details, but Donald Trump is being accused of single-handedly executing all tragedies currently known to man. The Golden God is currently being incapacitated by a supposed Partisan hearing on whether he “incited” violence at Capitol Hill. All YOU need to know is that he didn’t. That’s it. Case closed.
Turbulent Times for America. The Onset of Bidenflation.
These are turbulent times indeed for America. The crypto market crash is annihilating the “hard-earned” money of basement-dwelling neckbeard investors. Elon Musk is allowing people to think it’s okay to be a horrible human being if you post memes about it “ironically”. Gas is $5 a gallon, making the average American unable to cross the street, which in turn is making them unable to cross the street toward the nearest McDonald's. Hard times indeed, because even the President can’t mention the word inflation. Literally.
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