1. They're young.
How many times is it that you see a man or woman in their thirties tell you how to perceive the present social diorama of your country? A lot is the answer because these ill-conceived bands of charlatans play at a game far above their juvenile states of mind. When was the last time you saw someone’s granny rob a bank? Yeah, that's what I thought. Not only are young people genetically skewed towards acts of unprecedented evil, but they are also the most likely to be swayed by a slew of modern hoaxes like Darwinism, democracy, and the Geneva Convention.
2. They're poor.
I'll admit, most politicians aren't known to be thrifty or "budget-conscious", but that's because poor people just don't have the hots to lord over normal citizens. You might expect someone poor to be able to relate to the average middle to lower-class family, but the truth is that their considerably wealthier counterparts are far more experienced in their socioeconomic troubles. Be honest, who would you rather trust with your future? Someone who owns a kid-friendly private island or someone who can't afford the rent in their mother's basement? That's what I thought. Poor people are compulsive liars.
3. They don't hate video games.
Video games are inherently violent. Their predisposed activity loops are meant to satisfy a very primal part of the human psyche. Acting solely on a pleasure principle, video games are no less addictive than the most heinous drugs known to man. Still, people would rather be drip-fed content than look for entertainment in the struggles of real life. For why do humans exist, if not to suffer at the hands of fate? Anyway, if your favorite politician doesn't attribute every known human tragedy to video games, not only are they willfully ignorant, but they're also frauds to an astounding degree.
4. They're not backed by powerful mega-corporations.
Corporations play a very important role in our lives. Every day we're led by their covetous need for constant profit and exploitation. But that's okay. Consider your own parents for example their constant nagging and abuse are primarily backed by an acute lust for wealth and their exploitation is primarily driven by the need to force procreation. However, despite it all, they do it for your well-being which excuses all manners of abuse. Similarly, corporations are parental bodies for politicians, demanding their complete loyalty and servitude. Now I don't know about you, but I for one, would not believe a word out of someone who doesn't have parents.
5. They believe in gun control.
Okay, buckle up your britches because here's where things get WILD. If your local charlatan cares more about the rights of minorities than the right to blow lead through a hobo's skull, you know things have gone horribly wrong. Wake up and realize the fact that guns are to politicians like crack is to an addict, a fundamental fragment for survival. It's a truly telling statement when your local politician hesitates to put a fully loaded AR-15 into the hands of a twelve-year-old.
6. They believe in equality.
Okay, I'll play the devil's advocate here. Inequality is a state of mind. Years of Freudian research have concluded that stress is perhaps the most vital part of achieving productivity. And how do you inflict stress? By making people believe that you're inferior to them. Picture this: a family of Afghan refugees settles next to your apartment. In order to stop them from wallowing in their self-pity just because they come from a war-torn, oppressive third-world country, one should reinforce the idea that they don't belong. Suddenly, they "wake up" and speak out regarding their "rights", their tragic past forgotten, and your mission accomplished. Therefore, any politician, liberal or otherwise, championing the rights of such pitiful beings is in fact inflicting upon them a great measure of pain.
I hope this helps you align yourself to the political party of your dreams and create rifts between your family and friends because life is nothing if not a little bit chaotic.
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